Good to be Found

“I have wandered away like a lost sheep. Please come after me...” Psalm 119:176

I first saw the sign during the early morning drive through a nearby neighborhood. Printed on computer paper and slipped into a plastic sleeve, someone had nailed it to a telephone pole near my apartment. Curious, I pulled over for a closer look. The title caught my attention:

LOST Boxer

Beneath the heading appeared a color photograph of a beautiful fawn boxer. On either side of the picture a single word in bold letters stood out: “Reward”. Underneath the photo it read, “Please help me find Danny and bring him back home.” The bottom of the poster listed the owners name and contact number. My heart broke because I too have a boxer puppy, Hadassah Lynn, who is the love of my life.

Taking mental note to keep watch for the lost dog I continued to head to work.

Several days passed with no trace of the dog. Search and rescue activities in the neighborhood intensified. More posters began appearing throughout the area. At first I noticed just one or two posted at the entrances of nearby subdivisions. Soon, however, they hung on light posts at every intersection. On corkboards above community mailboxes. On the gateposts of nearby parks. The signs were rapidly multiplying. And with them came the desperate plea of the dog’s owner. Please join in the search. Please help the rescue efforts. Please bring Danny back home again.

Let me pause here for a moment. Before I finish the story of one animal’s fate, I’d like to ask a question. Have you ever felt lost? Not lost like a tourist in a new town, but lost like a creature bewildered about which way is home? Lost because your life has taken an unexpected detour? Maybe at one time you had your world figured out. You knew who you were, what you wanted, and where you belonged. Your heart had a place of comfort and contentment to call home. But then circumstances changed. The unexpected occurred. The pink slip arrived. The divorce papers were served. The doctor’s diagnosis came back. Before you knew it, the certainty in your life was gone. Your sense of safety and security vanished. In their place came feelings of isolation and separation. You suddenly felt--lost. Lost in a world you no longer recognized.

Believe it or not, there’s an Old Testament prophet who understood these feelings. He wrote about it in Isaiah 53:6, “We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way.” If you’ve ever felt “lost” you know the feeling of helplessness. You know you can’t find your way home on your own.

Fortunately, there is hope.

Just as Danny’s master went looking for him, your Master has done the same. The God who made you didn’t abandon you. Instead, He sent his Son on a search and rescue mission to find you. Luke 19:10 puts it this way, “The Son of Man came to find lost people and save them.” That’s good news. God didn’t post any “Lost” signs in an effort to locate you. He came personally to save you. Why? Because God doesn’t desert the lost. He never has and He never will.

About two weeks after I first saw the sign in my neighborhood I noticed it had changed. Someone with a big blue marker had crossed out the word “Lost”. Scrawled next to it in capital letters it now read, “Found”. Though I wasn’t at the reunion of a dog and his master, I’m betting it was a joyful affair. Probably full of hugging, petting, barking, and wet Boxer kisses. The lost was now found. The separation was over! The joy of belonging to each other could resume!

If you sometimes feel like a lost soul in this world, don’t despair.
Someone is looking for you.

If you ever feel like you’ve wandered far from home, have courage.
Somebody is searching for you.

In fact, He's been seeking you your whole life. Are you ready to be found? If so, the solution is quite simple. Stop wandering. Stop trying to do your own thing. Stop trying to go your own way. Instead, let yourself be found by the Master. He loves you more deeply than you can imagine.

What does it feel like to be found? Ahhh, it’s something to savor. If that Boxer could talk I’m sure he’d tell you. There’s nothing like being swept up into your Masters arms. Arms that will carry you home. Home to a place of joy, peace and safety. Home to a place where the separation is ended and the joy of belonging can resume.

It feels good to be found!


Wednesday, June 27, 2006

Days of Praise- For Rachel and Josh

Some days are meant for praise.

The children of Israel did it on the shores of the Red Sea. With Pharaoh’s army behind them and the Promised Land before them they pulled out tambourines and sang songs of praise.

David did it in the streets of Jerusalem. As the Ark of the Covenant traveled to its new resting place David danced before the Lord in praise to the sound of harps, lyres and cymbals.

King Jehoshaphat did it on the battlefield. Facing attack from an overwhelming force the king sent out an army—not of soldiers, but of singers. The choir sang praises to God while the Almighty fought the battle for them.

Hannah did it at the temple. She prayed for a child she thought she could never have. Yahweh granted her request so she dedicated herself and her son to God. Then she sang a song of praise to the Lord.

There’s plenty of heartache to be had on this planet, but there are also days when joy and celebration break through. This is such a day for me.

Several years ago one of the sweetest ladies I know, my dear friend and college roommate Rachel, married a wonderful man. As a bridesmaid I had a front row seat to their beautiful wedding. They have celebrated a marriage of loving, learning, laughing and longing. That last word is significant. Longing. Throughout their marriage they have been blessed in every way imaginable but one. Children. They’ve longed for a child of our own.

The first three years of marriage they saved money like crazy to work through law school. Mission accomplished they started planning for a baby. And then they waited. Weeks turned to months. Still they waited. There were some complications so they tried surgery, medications- all efforts to have a child.

Tears and trials followed and as her friend I felt helpless to do anything to help. But I fasted and prayed, we waited, we hoped. This past Sunday morning, on one of our breakfast visits Rachel confirmed the words we’ve all been waiting to hear. “I’m pregnant.”

How does it feel? Like today is Thanksgiving, New Years, my birthday, Valentine's Day and Fourth of July all rolled into one. I feel like I want to grab a tambourine and sing on the shores of the Red Sea. I want to dance before the Lord like David. I want to join an army chorus singing praises to the Almighty. I want to bow with Hannah at the temple and rededicate myself and all my plans to God through a simple psalm of praise.

Ecclesiastes famously notes there’s a right time for everything under heaven. A time for birth, death, planting, reaping, crying, laughing, weeping and dancing. I don’t know your day- today may be a crying day for you. A day when God teaches you to praise through the tears. I don’t want to miss any of these moments. I hope you don’t either.

Take time to celebrate. Thank God for the blessings in your life. Do it with all your heart. Sing it with everything you’ve got. Find a few friends and throw a party. Miracles are meant to be celebrated. You don’t need a perfect health or birth announcement in order to praise God. You can think of something you’re thankful for and do it right now.

And if by chance you should see me dancing in the halls today, grab a tambourine and join in the song. Today is a great day to celebrate God’s goodness.

“Yes, I will bless the Lord and not forget the glorious things He does for me.” Psalm 103:2 TLB

Lies We Believe

I know its been a while since I began this blog. To be honest, I was planning on giving it up. I started a written journal because there are some things in my heart I don't wish to share to the world. And then I started to feel like there wasn't anyone interested in this blog anyway so I quit. But this week people have been asking about it and I was amazed how often they read my devotional and thoughts.

This situation, as well as a conversation I am having on the Ransomed Heart forum, have led me to think about the lies we tell ourselves... the lies we believe. Often the lies come from wounds in our lives and the enemy has used those to deceive us from the truth. Some of my lies include: no one cares what you have to say, people just put up with having you around- they don't really want you, no one understands you, etc...

And the greatest lie of all: who you are and what you do doesn't really matter. The interesting thing is when you talk to most people they feel the same way. I think this is one of Satan's greatest tools in not sharing our heart with other people, not offering who we are and the gifts God has given us with the world. So if you are feeling insignificant today remember that you have something to offer the world and you are needed in this life. God created you, with all your issues, quirks, and even weaknesses so He could use you to bless this world and reflect Him and His glory.

Suitcase of Treasures

It was summer vacation and grandma Kate had a surprise for her three grandchildren. She had traveled to the Colorado Rockies for a week-long family reunion. With her she brought two suitcases. The first filled with clothes for the trip, the second with gifts for the grandkids. This “suitcase of treasures” contained toys of all shapes and sizes. There were miniature trucks, animals, balls, books and building blocks for her grandson Zach. For her two granddaughters, Rebecca and Emily, she brought dolls, stuffed animals, games, stickers, crayons and coloring books.

Grandma Kate was excited. Her plan was simple. She would keep the suitcase secret. Hidden in her closet. But everyday she would bring out a special surprise for each of her grandchildren. The plan worked perfectly for three days. The kids were surprised and grandma was delighted to give her special gifts. But on day four the plan hit a snag.

During the afternoon, two-year-old Zach wandered into grandma’s room. He opened her closet and came across the closed but not locked suitcase. Lifting the lid he got a surprise. Toys, toys and more toys. And right on top was the best prize of all. The big surprise grandma had been saving for the last day of her trip. A large, plastic Tyrannosaurus Rex—the king of dinosaurs. With a squeal of delight Zach pulled out T-Rex and started playing with it.

Hearing an unexpected commotion in her bedroom grandma Kate entered to find her secret suitcase open and Zach playing with the new toy. Gently grandma asked Zach to give her the dinosaur. Grandma explained that this toy was indeed for little Zach, but not at this time. Zach however, didn’t want to give it up. After continually refusing to relinquish the dinosaur, grandma had no choice but to gently take it away from him. Crying in protest Zach lunged for the suitcase and snatched up a stuffed animal. Calmly grandma explained that this gift was not for him, but for his sister. It didn’t matter. Zach cried even louder as the toy was returned to the suitcase. With reluctance grandma shut the luggage and closed the closet door. Now hurt and howling at the loss of his toys little Zach made a pronouncement familiar to parents with children going through their “terrible two’s”.

“No! It’s mine, it’s mine, it’s MINE. And I want it NOW! You don’t love me.”

Poor grandma. Surprise spoiled. Discipline needed. Love questioned. All because her cherished grandson saw what he shouldn’t have, took what wasn’t yet his, and claimed a right he didn’t have.

Yet in the end it’s hard to fault little Zach for something that adults rarely handle better. Like Zach, children of God have discovered their Heavenly Father has a suitcase of treasures. A storehouse of blessings, gifts and other good things he can give. But most of us don’t want to wait on God’s timing. We want our blessings and we want them NOW.

Has God blessed a friend with financial independence? Well, that’s what I want. Has a co-worker been blessed with a promotion. I want that too! Is your sister one who seems to succeed in all her relationships? I want that now!

And what happens if God’s plans don’t meet my expectations or timetable? I too can throw a tantrum. Mine may be more sophisticated than a two-year-olds, but the effects are often the same. Inside I might cry and complain, pout and envy, accuse and demand, hoping to get my way. I may even question God’s love because he doesn’t give me what I want.

But here are two secrets that God and good grandma’s know:
1. Gifts are given when the time is right.
2. Not everyone receives the same gifts.

So if you don’t get what you want does that mean God is holding out on you? Not at all. It could be that God’s timing is different than yours. Or maybe God intends to bless you in a different way than you expect. Also consider, the gift you want may not be a gift intended for you.

Here’s what we do know. God is a devoted father who has already provided what you need most.
He has given you his love. (1 John 4:7-10)
He has promised his loyalty. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
He gives you guidance. (Isaiah 58:11)
He offers salvation. (John 3:16)
He supplies you with hope. (Romans 15:13)
He gives you a future. (John 14:1-3)

All from a faithful father who has you on his heart. So go ahead, ask him for what you want. But trust him to do what’s best.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” James 1:17 NKJV

Tread Softly

A beautiful peom...

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


W.B. Yeats (1865-1939)

Something New

I watched a really wonderful movie tonight called "Something New." It was really about opening yourself up to love even when it comes in a different form than what you had planned. I especially love the dad in this movie who fights for his daughter and gives her the strength the follow her heart.

My dad really stepped up like that today. I had a job interview on Monday. It was a great interview, the people were nice, but I knew in my heart that I shouldn't take the job. I haven't been able to really sleep since Monday thinking and praying, sometimes even trying to talk myself into the job. My residency ends in a few months and I this was my only firm offer. My dad grew up in a very poor home and his nature is that of a practical man who says 'take the job, it doesn't matter if you don't like it, pay the bills.' I know he questioned my decision and we even went a few round about it, but in the end he supported me and told me not to settle. Today he sent me the beautiful email with the prayer of St St. Theresa:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been
given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing,
dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I cried when I read that. My dad's not what I'd consider a sentimental man but I saw that side of him today and I am so blessed that when it comes right down to it, I have a dad that values my heart.

Playing It Safe

I started to cry my eyes out silently in the shower. The thing about crying in the shower is that no one knows and all your tears get washed down the drain, so there's never any evidence that you were actually falling apart, and it feels safe, even though you know its killing you. I tried to sort through all my hurt and bad emotion, which usually leads to a sort of crippling despair, but this time Jesus walked quietly alongside. I just have so many questions about the future. God, where is my place?

Spiritual Dementia

My friends and I have been talking about the movie "The Notebook." Now, before you dismiss it at just a sterotypical chick flick, I am amazed at how this story resinated with men as well. What I love is the aged couple and how Noah comes everyday to tell their story in the hope that for a few minutes Ally would recognize him! Sometimes I feel that I have a spiritual dementia- God comes and pursues my heart day in and day out, yet I am blinded and often miss the countless ways he shows his love to me. Oh, that I would be given eyes to see God's fingerprints in the everyday world around me.

Update- Heart Full of Praise!

Well, after disappearing about 7 last night, John Michael was found safe at about one today. He was found by a search and rescue man on horseback. 17 hours and it got very cold last night. He must have an entire host of guardian angels. He is at the hospital but other than removing a few ticks, he seems to be in great shape. Thank you, Lord.

Heart Full of Prayer

Last night my college roommate, Rachel, called to tell me her brother was missing. John Michael is five years old and has Down Syndrome. He wandered off sometime last night and now has been gone about 17 hours. All I can do is pray. I know God loves John Michael even more than we do, but this is just something you never expect. My heart is worried and broken... and full of prayer for this amazing little boy. Please, God, keep him safe.

My Christian Birthday

Today is my Christian Birthday- I've been a Christian for 15 years today. Looking back at my spiritual journey I can't help at marvel how God has led me. I am one of the few people who can honestly say there wasn't a time in my life where I didn't know and love God. I still remember making the choice to follow him as a nine year old girl. Our church was doing a musical passion play. A church friend, Roger Margason (who was also my voice teacher), was playing Jesus. But as I saw him on the cross, he disappeared and for the first time I saw clearly the sacrifice Jesus made for me. I remember burying my head in the side of my dad's arm and leaving tear marks on his grey suit.

Sad to say, but there are many days when I don't take the time to sit and really meditate on that enormous sacrifice. I am so grateful. I hope to everyday take the time to rededicate myself to You, Lord. Thank you for loving me and for drawing me to yourself 15 year ago- what an adventure it has been!

Inviting Grace

I watched an amazing movie last night called The Horse Whisperer and it was amazing (at almost 3 hours it was a little longer than it needed to be, but still very good). It tells the story of a girl named Grace and her horse, Pilgrim. After being involved in an accident where they were both hit by a 18-wheeler and Grace's best friend was killed, they are wounded physically and spiritually as well. A trainer who works miracles with horses agrees to help and earns Pilgrim's trust, however Pilgrim is still terrified of Grace. The climax comes when, as the last option, Tom (the horse whisperer) ties Pilgrim's front hoof up where it is unusable and crippling. He then makes Pilgrim run on three legs and it is painful to watch this majestic animal hobble around. After a while Pilgrim finally surrenders and Grace is once again able to ride and, although the wounds are still there, they are once again free to ride in all their glory.

What God taught me through this movie is that all of us have wounds that have made us afraid, things that have battered the glorious heart God has set with us. And there are times that we must be crippled in order to surrender and allow God's grace back into our lives. Only then can we live the life of glory and freedom that God desires for us.

Tale of Three Trees

I absolutely love children’s stories- I fact I have a collection of various children’s books that make me laugh and very often make me think. One of my favorite books is a Tale of Three Trees which is an old folk story told for generations- no one really know who wrote it but it was made popular by Angela Edwell Hunt. The story goes like this:

Once upon a mountaintop, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars twinkling like diamonds above him. "I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I will be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to be a strong sailing ship," he said. "I want to travel mighty waters and carry powerful kings. I will be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and busy women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave this mountaintop at all," she said. "I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me they will raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world!"

Years passed. The rains came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest," thought the first tree. "I shall hold wonderful treasure." The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters," thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship fit for kings!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me," he muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought him to a carpenter's shop, but the busy carpenter was not thinking about treasure chests. Instead his work-worn hands fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold or filled with treasure. He was coated with sawdust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took him to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ships were being made that day. Instead, the once-strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. Too small and too weak to sail an ocean or even a river, he was taken to a little lake. Every day he brought in loads of dead, smelly fish. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in the lumberyard. "What happened?" the once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted to do was stay on the mountaintop and point to God."

Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful," she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuttered. He knew he did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree she was carrying the King of Heaven and Earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry, jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.

But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the first tree beautiful. It had made the second tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.

That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

This in one of my favorite stories because it teaches so many different and powerful messages. I know that many of us as children had dreams of what the future would hold for us: dreams of fame, wealth, doing something important with our lives. And yet, somehow as the years pass, life takes some drastic turns and we look back and wonder, “How did I end up here?” Many of you might be facing such a moment- a time when we are faced with questions about ourselves and even about God. Where is He? Does He not care about my pain? And then, through this simple children’s story I am remind that life never quite turns out the way we plan and there are many difficult times, times of disappointment. But we serve a God so powerful that he can take even those disappointments and transform them into might things to be used by Him. No matter where you are on the journey today, remember that God is there, that He cares for you, and He had the power to turn even the hardest times into blessings.

Stories We Remember

I once heard the Christian life described as a love story set in the midst of a life and death battle. I'm in the midst of the battle and the love story seems a long way away. All the pressure of not finding a job and wondering about the future seems overwhelming right now. I was watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy a few weeks ago and found a scene that spoke to my heart about what the battle is like for Christians. What an awesome God we have to use the things we love (like movies) to speak to our hearts.

Frodo: I can’t do this Sam

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights, we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Fordo, the ones that really matter. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy, how could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you… that meant something… even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something...

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and its worth fighting for.

Easter Sunday- Wonderful Weekend

I had one of the most amazing weekends! I went to the Beckwith's home in country outside of Hot Springs. It is so beautiful out there and I loved the feeling of being with family. Helen, Jan, and I stayed up until 4 am watching a movie and talking- just being together. We went to church this morning and had lunch with the whole family, after which we sang old gospel songs. I have really been struggling with loneliness. Today I thought of the Scripture in Psalms 68:6- God sets the lonely in families.

Good Friday

A few days ago I was talking to my friend Howard and we were talking about how tired you can get as a minister, dealing with heartbreak after heartbreak. He opened my eyes to something I never realized about Jesus. We see Jesus ministering to person after person, healing and teaching, being a minister of grace to the lost. As He looked out at the mulitudes that followed Him, it was more than just their suffering He saw... He also saw their hearts, all the sin that would soon be His to bear on the cross. And still He poured Himself out, over and over again. What an amazing God we have!!

He looked across the years and saw me from the cross.
He saw my grief and my shame.
And I believe He took it all upon Himself.
He made my soul alive again.

And my heart was born new like a baby,
Innocent and clean before God.
He came in innocence and died for all the world.
And I'm one reason why that had to be...
He looked across the years and died for me.

Christ Was One of These

A few years ago I was studying at Oxford University in England and my class was taking a day trip into London to see the sights: Buckingham Place, Parliament, the Prime Minister’s Residence. Our first stop, however, was Westminster Abbey which was incredible. The burial places of kings and queens, famous authors, and important political figures were quite impressive, often the tombs were ornate, some even overlaid with gold.

People flock to this place, get special guided tours- it is filled with a quiet roar as people talk all at once but in hushed tones. All in all, it was quite an experience and one could not help to be impressed at the collection of famous, sometimes infamous, people.

The day continued on as we saw the Palace, the changing of the guard, and then got on the bus to leave. My church history professor, the best teacher I have ever known, Dr. Karen Bullock, informed us that we had one more stop on our tour. She told us how during the Black Plague many of the poor dead were taken outside the city and buried or burned in mass graves. Later people who rebelled against the state church, those known as dissenters, were buried there as a sign of contempt. This place became known as Bunhill Fields.

This place is usually deserted- no guided tours or crowds visit this place. It is a simple cemetery where people like John Bunyan (who wrote Pilgrim’s Progress the most read book other than the Bible) , Isaac Watts (a famous hymn writer who wrote When I Survey the Wondrous Cross), and William Blake (a poet) are buried. As we walked though this place, what struck me was the contrast between here and Westminster. There were no gold plated tombs, no pomp and circumstance- just a simple, old cemetery filled with those who quietly lived and died but forever changed the world speaking out for religious freedom.

Unlike those in Westminster, I could relate to those lives at Bunhill Fields. I am a simple person who will probably never be famous or well known. I go to work and church, try and be a good daughter, sister, friend. But most likely no one will ever write a book about me nor will history books tell of amazing things I’ve done. Perhaps you feel the same way. Maybe today you feel very small in a hospital filled with pain, maybe you feel forgotten or lonely. May I let you in on a little secret?

Christ was one of these! A simple man who lived a simple life, died a criminal’s death, and changed the course of history! He could have come as a great King but instead came to the lowest peasant girl. He could have ruled a mighty army, instead he led simple fishermen. He became like us and so shared each one of our burdens, our pain, our loneliness.

Now all that to say this- You are important not because of what you do but because of who you are as a child of God. On those days you feel forgotten, like no one cares, remember there is a God in heaven who loves you with a love beyond all imagining. He moved heaven and earth to rescue you and show you His love. Hold fast to Him and know you are great and worthy in His eyes.

Do Not Be Ashamed

By Wendell Berry

You will be walking some night
in the comfortable dark of your yard
and suddenly a great light will shine
round about you, and behind you
will be a wall you never saw before.
It will be clear to you suddenly
that you were about to escape,
and that you are guilty: you misread
the complex instructions, you are not
a member, you lost your card
or never had one. And you will know
that they have been there all along,
their eyes on your letters and books,
their hands in your pockets,
their ears wired to your bed.
Though you have done nothing shameful,
they will want you to be ashamed.
They will want you to kneel and weep
and say you should have been like them.
And once you say you are ashamed,
reading the page they hold out to you,
then such light as you have made
in your history will leave you.
They will no longer need to pursue you.
You will pursue them, begging for forgiveness.
They will not forgive you.
There is not power against them.
It is only candor that is aloof from them,
only an inward clarity, unashamed,
that they cannot reach. Be ready.
When their light has picked you out
and their questions are asked, say to them:
"I am not ashamed." A sure horizon
will come around you. The heron will begin
his evening flight from the hilltop.

I have only recently gotten back into Wendell Berry poetry, although in college he was one of my favorites. One of the best teachers I have ever known, Dr. Brad Crain, introduced me to WB's poetry. I found this poem several weeks ago and it spoke so deeply to me. All my life I have longed to have the approval of others, to fit in. I have always been such a loner in spite of all my attempts to belong. This poem tells us not to read the part the world assigns to us but to create our own role in this world. It is far more challenging for someone like me who is very unsure of what role I even want. From the time I was a child I longed for one thing-to be a wife and a mother. God has yet to answer that prayer and I find myself longing for an important role to play in this great universe yet unsure of the role I want.

As a Christian, and especially as a woman growing up in the Southern Baptist church, I was taught to be a servant. Humble yourself, be meek and submissive, that was my role. To find myself wanting to stand out in a crowd, to be the kind of person that people admire and respect is far more important to me than I care to admit. It certainly goes against everything I was taught to be. I'm not sure if those desires are right or wrong (probably some mixture of both depending on my motive at the time).

Last night I was on call. It was a long night with two deaths. As hard as it is to be there when someone dies, to have to deal with a family's enormous grief, is a huge task but also a tremendous honor. Being at the hospital for over a year, I have seen over one hundred people die. It makes me less afraid to die but much more scared of dying, after seeing all the horrible illnesses I have seen. I find myself wondering if I will be able to keep this chaplain job up. Some days it just wears on my soul. In spite of all my self-doubts, when I help people with the final goodbye to one they love, I know my role is a significant one.

Longing for Undeserved Love

I was skimming other people's blogs today and I ran across an interesting one entitled, "I deserve to be loved..." I really started thinking about that statement. Do we deserve to be loved? Biblically, I think we are shown to be undeserving of God's love. On the other hand, as a human being I should show love to others because they are created in the image of God- it has nothing to do with deserving love.

I guess I am pondering this because so many people feel like they have the right to expect certain things- I deserve a new house, the government owes me because of what happened to my ancestors, I deserve to get that promotion. We have become a society of entitlement. I don't know if it is completely wrong- after all, if we didn't have hope and expectation that things could be different or change, we'd be a sorry lot. But this attitude has fostered in us an ungrateful spirit. In an attitude of "I deserve," we forget the blessing already given: our health, family, friends. Even if God never did one more thing for me other than the gift of His Son, it should be enough.

I'm not even sure the attitude of I deserve love is a good one. After all, the most wonderful kind of love is unconditional, where you do nothing to deserve it (that is the love Christ had for his church and a man's love is to duplicate that love). If you have to deserve love, then it loses something because true love is given without strings attached. I long for an undeserved love given out of nothing but love instilled in a man's heart by God for me. Love in and of itself is the best kind.

Learning to Heel with God

I can't believe I have yet to mention the love of my life since beginning this blog two months ago. I have a brindle, Boxer puppy named Hadassah Lynn. She is named after the lead character in my favorite book series, Mark of the Lion by Francine Rivers. Hadassah was two years old February the ninth. She was a graduation gift from my Aunt Judy and her family, as well as my parents. In the two years I've had her, she has taught me so much. I am always amazed at the way God uses the world around us to teach us spiritual truths.

Hadassah and I take classes at the Little Rock Dog Training Club two nights a week. My goal for her is to become a therapy dog and be able to use her in my chaplain job. Getting Hadassah to focus on me, especially for heeling, has been a real challenge. She is so easily distracted by the world around her that she often lags behind me or darts out in front of me. The training tip I use is to come to a dead stop which forces Hadassah to pay attention and get back in step with me. Eventually, she has gotten the message to pay attention to my commands or we don't move.

Sadly, in some ways, I am not as perceptive as my puppy. How often I get my eyes off of Jesus and caught up in the world around me. Sometimes God must use dramatic circumstances to stop me dead in my tracks in order for me to get my eyes back on Him. I pray that I am learning to walk in step with the Lord so I can move forward in the plans He has for me.

Isn't it amazing that God is using even our pets to open our hearts to spiritual truths? Now we must learn to stop, listen, and get in step with him.

PS I couldn't resist this picture. Hadassah grabbed the TV guide off the table- I guess she was sick of my TV picks and thought it was time for the Animal Planet channel!

God Made Me Enough

Yesterday I had a first "date?" Really, it was just meeting a friend I've been getting to know for a while now. A friend goes to his church and assured me he was a good man. We had been trying to get together for a few weeks and it just wasn't working out with traveling and hospital stays!! So yesterday he got a chance for a long lunch and asked to meet me at the hospital. I said yes but the moment I hung up the phone I wished I hadn't. I had overslept that morning and my hair was a mess, I was wearing an outfit I hated- all in all just not feeling attractive.

I went to visit my good friend Mrs. Beckwith. I met her at the hospital right after I started in the Fall of 2004. Our friendship has grown in that two years. She is a wise woman who has faced death numerous time (stroke, breast cancer, heartmate, heart transplant, in coma for 34 day doctors telling her family to give up) and she walks so closely to Lord. I shared with her how I was feeling and once again she opened my eyes to the truth.

"Stacy, I think God is trying to teach you something. You don't need to worry about hair, make-up, or clothes. Your beauty is not found there- it is in the beautiful heart God gave you. Whatever man God sends to you will fully see the beauty of that glorious heart. God made you enough!"

And so, sweet sisters, you are enough! It is easy for us to forget as we get lost in the pressures of the world, but we are glorious creations of God who loves us more deeply that we will ever know.

For my single sisters...

Dear friends: While doing research for a Bible study topic, I asked some of the men I know what they wanted in a woman, how we can make them feel loved. The answers were amazing! These men are strong warriors who know how to love- maybe we all (married or single, now that I think about it) could learn how to love the men in our lives better. (This would apply to fathers, brothers, friends- not just romantic relationships.) Here is what they said....

"I want my wife to know who she is and fully realize her value apart from me. I want a woman who is already strong, and can only grow stronger by loving me. Conversely, I need to know who I am apart from her as well. I want for her not to need me, but to want me. I want her to freely choose me even though she already knows her worth."

"Love. Acceptance. Believe in me. Oh - and be careful with my heart, it's not made of stone..." J

"Probably among my tops right now would be the ability to breath my weakness when I'm down and struggling. The ability to admit that I'm in a fight, and that support would be greatly appreciated. Above all, a deep love and commitment to Jesus." Brain

"Something that I think many women miss is providing their husband/boyfriend with a feeling of trust -- constant flirting, etc... loses it's amusing qualities very quickly, and quickly makes a man tired of having to react to it. Men and women need support and strength from each other, in different manners, but when it seems as if all the world has set against a man, the best thing any woman could do would be to remind him that she, and God, are both with him. I think men are actually as emotionally fragile as women, but we face our injuries in a different fashion -- a tendency to retreat into stoicism, and to eliminate feelings, rather than address the problems...I can personally speak of the 'not feeling' bit."

"To be the rose that awakens at my touch. To be the steel magnolia that stands with God to protect me when I am beaten and battered from the battle. To stand beside God in the face of the enemy and say 'you can not have him, he is ours!' To pray for me when I am to tired, sad, angry, defeated to pray for myself. To have a sparkle in her eye, especially when she sees it in mine. To love our children and fight for their hearts. To love God and rest in Him, before she does any of these things!
The best example I can give you, Stacy, is my wife. Talk to her and ask her what she does, she is not perfect but she is perfect for me. Love, Honor, Courage, TW"

"To bind my wounds during and after a battle. To be vulnerable (I love vulnerability in a woman-especially from one I know is strong-it shows compassion). To allow me to be temporarily weak without trying to 'fix' me. To call out my strength and masculinity in those weak times by offering herself to me (careful! Some of that is marriage only territory!!!)"

"There are so many things I like about my wife, I don't know where to start. One of the things I really like is her spirit of adventure. She was not the outdoors type when we first met, but she was willing to give it a try and now our trips into wild areas are one of our greatest joys together. The song in the musical Camalot says 'The way to handle a woman is to love her, simply love her.' Well this works pretty well with men too. Of all the wonderful things she has said to me, my most treasured came at a time when she was struggling with some problems with her past and her children. I worked with her and comforted and reassured her. That evening she came over and hugged me and said, 'You are my rock'."

"Compliment a man on his character, and he'll feel... well, great. For these single women, I'd tell them to be open, even enthusiastic about having dates centered around "guy" stuff. Go play golf, tennis, or shoot baskets with him. Go hiking. Or fishing. Or target shooting. Basically anything guys do on a Saturday afternoon, do it with him as a date. He'll be much more likely to open up and be emotionally honest during a romantic dinner on Saturday night if he spent a fun (guy fun) afternoon with her."

Well, that is just a handful of the responses I got. I'd love to hear your comments...

Brothers

A friend shared this poem. It describes the friendships I long to have....

Brothers
Victor Downing
copywrite: December 2003

Out of the fog, piercing the night,
First the silhouettes, and then in plain sight,
Not one uniform in common,
No one knowing the face of the other,
Each one a stranger in search of a brother.

They rested from their journeys
On an insignificant slope.
Silence and stillness supported them
As they gave themselves to be seen,
And to seeing, and to hope.

"The name of your bread?" "The name of your wine?"
The silence succumbed.
"Your first battle, how was it won?"
And, "Have you seen through the night
As though the moon was the sun?"

The questions passed between them
In orderly fashion,
But no answer was heard,
Each one learning all that he needed
Without hearing a word.

They smiled imperceptibly and inaudibly agreed,
"Since we speak different tongues
But have one heart,
Surely we were together
Before we were apart!"

Suddenly the battlefield trembled,
Dust rose from the stones,
Ten million boots in unison
Rattled their bones.

They saw it soon enough:
Kind accommodation disguising inestimable might
And then raw violence
Hidden in light.

As if cogs in a clock,
As if dancers on a stage,
Each turned his back to a brother
And prepared to meet the rage.

They were quickly encased,
Surrounded by saccharine smiles, merciless eyes,
And weapons made of words
That found their substance in their lies.

The brothers, each one, were wounded,
And some terribly so
But not one gave ground:
When you are back to back, there's no place to go.

Suddenly it was gone,
The horizon filled with hope.
Some fell asleep
As others guarded that bloody slope.

What makes a bother?
How is he different than a friend?
The latter will be with you in the beginning,
The former will be with you
In the end.

Wrestling with God

In light of past blogs, I wrote this devotional....

Well, I’d like to start with a confession. God and I have been wrestling. There are times in my walk with God when His love and sovereignty are enough, but now is just not one of those times. Now, in the midst of a difficult time, I want an answer to the often unanswerable question of “why.” I have questions about why things have happened the way they have, why He seems so far away, and questions about the future.

In times like these, it helps me to remember that a long time ago there was another man who wrestled with God. His story is found in Genesis 32- you might remember it. Night is falling and Jacob is alone when he begins to wrestle with God. The struggle continues for hours until morning is about to dawn. God ends this when Jacob’s hip is hurt in the fight. God then gives Jacob a new name... Israel, which translated means ‘he struggles with God.’ Before God departs, he blesses Jacob. Jacob, now Israel, names the place Peniel, ‘face of God,’ because he saw God face to face and lived. There it is- another person who wrestled with God (literally!)

Such an example teaches me several things as I, myself, wrestle with God. First, I learn that God is honored in the struggle. He doesn’t get angry with Jacob as they fight, no, he BLESSES him! Like many human relationships, I’m not sure you can call God a real friend until you’ve gone a few rounds with Him. It is okay to wrestle with God. In fact, Israel becomes the name of God’s chosen people, the entire nation is named Israel. The people of God are defined as those who struggle with Him!

The second thing I learn is that we are stronger because of the struggle. Wrestling with God increases our faith as we hold tightly to him. And we are forever changed by the struggles with God. Okay, maybe not with a damaged hip or a new name, but our hearts are forever different somehow because we are often never closer to God as when we are wrestling with Him.

Maybe today you are like me and wrestling with God, asking the ‘why’ questions. That is okay, but may I tell you the last thing I know about wrestling with God? He always wins! Somewhere in the struggle we have as the people of God, there comes that place of surrender. The only thing left when we stop the struggle and surrender to God is His arms wrapped around us, holding us close, and comforting us. And that comforting gift of His presence is the ultimate blessing of wrestling with God.

Homecoming

After being up all night and all day, I am too tired to write. I do want to share that my friend mentioned in A Warrior's Heart had his court date and his son is coming home!! Praise God! Tonight I think about homecoming, the joy of running into the arms of a loving father. Thanks to Jesus we can run into our Heavenly Fathers arms any moment of the day or night, even on the days that break our hearts. I mentioned wrestling with God last night... the joyful thing is, somewhere in the struggle, God won and held me close.

Pressing On

Tonight God and I wrestle. Without going into detail and violating confidentiality, I lost a young pregnant woman and, despite an emergency C-section, her baby as well. A man walked in who just moments before was a happily married expectant father and in one moment lost everything. There are no reasons or explanations to the questions. There are times when my faith in God's sovereignty is enough but tonight is not one of those times. I have two hours until I begin another day, 3 before I go back into the office. Tonight is one of those times I never want to see the hospital again! As I got in my car to drive home, the Selah song Press On played. God must have known how I needed these words....

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on

... and so I do.

A Warrior's Heart

Well, I am back among the living and doing much better. Since I have been sleeping so much, I have my days and nights mixed up, thus the post at 1:30 am! My heart is heavy tonight as I pray for a friend and his wife who are fighting for custody of his son from a previous marriage. His son is only 13 and has been through so much abuse by his mother and stepfather- the court date is Monday. I am fasting and praying that God will bring Keagen home to his father. In hearing Dave (the dad's) story tonight, what struck me is how hard he has fought for his son. Above all the court drama, lies about his character, and financial concerns; here is a man and his wife whose hearts are broken out of love for this little boy. They are fighting not flesh and blood but the Enemy who has held this young man in bondage by an evil parent. What brings me to tears tonight is the love of Dave as he fights for his child, but also the reminder that God fights for me! He snuck into the Enemy's camp, disguised as a baby, and moved heaven and earth to rescue me. And He did it by giving His life up for mine. Dave's warrior heart is a picture of God's warrior heart as He fights for each one of us- that we might know how much He loves us.

Trip to the ER

Well, once again I have a kidney stone. I went to the ER Monday night and was so blessed by the staff there. One of the nurses, Trish (who works with dog rescue), stayed late to start my IV. Dr. Farmer, Ryan (another RN), and Jason (an orderly) really took great care of me. They gave me a really strong narcotic for the pain. It worked wonders but made me so loopy! I would say something simple like, "Do I have a kidney stone?" And the staff couldn't understand me. Talk about frustrating! And then there was my sweet co-worker, Rusty, who stayed with me til my mom arrived. I am frustrated about how sick I've been the past month, but I am constantly reminded of how many people care about me. I often have the 'Miss Independent' attitude, yet I am reminded I don't have to handle everything on my own.

Shades of Abigail

This evening I had dinner with a dear friend of mine and her family. They are such precious people and have "adopted" me. I am so blessed to have their friendship. We had great conversation and a lot of fun, but at one point the family teased one of the sisters about her ability to pick men. They did it jokingly, but I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I tried to defend her, but it wasn't very articulate. This precious sister has been married twice to what can only be described as evil men. Yes, maybe in the past she hasn't made the best choices, but thank God we are not defined by our past mistakes. The Lord's mercies are new EVERY morning. Or, as Anne of Green Gables would say, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."

I knew this precious sister's story and have heard many other's like it. I've heard them describe themselves as "two time losers!" Where do they get such awful lies? It can only come from the Enemy that seeks to destroy a woman's heart. I like to see them as modern day Abigail's.

Do you remember the story? Abigail is married to an evil man by the name of Nabel, whose name means fool. And, indeed, he was a foolish man who abused the Lord's anointed, David. In his righteous anger, David sets off to destroy Nabel and his entire household, innocent or guilty. It is Abigail who steps in and saves her family. She honors David and his men, giving them gifts and soothes the anger in David. God rewards Abigail by killing her evil husband and having David take her as his wife. Many women, like my sweet sister above, have had fools for husbands- men who have abused them, cheated on them, etc... While God hates divorce, it is a sad reality in our culture. But my prayer is that it will not hold these women back from all the glorious things God intends for their future. And, in submitting to the Lord, may they find their David, a prince among men.

My Destiny

Once again I am just too tired to write but I want to leave the lyrics to one of my all time favorite songs by Dennis Jernigan, This is My Destiny:

All I was I lay aside
Now dead to sin, to God alive-
Born again into a new identity.
Once asleep to God in sin,
Now waken by the blood and cleansed,
Born again to be who He called me to be.
All I have I lay aside,
Run the race to gain the prize,
For the sake of knowing Jesus Christ in me.
I cannot yet fully see,
All I'm truly called to be,
But knowing Christ reveals my hope and destiny.
He calls me child,
He calls me to his side eternally.
He calls what once was lost now found,
Once bound to sin now free.
He calls me holy, calls me righteous,
By the blood redeemed,
He calls me overcomer, crowned with victory
This is my destiny.

What once bound me is no more,
What was stolen is restored,
By the resurrection power of my King.
What was old has been made new,
Lies and doubt replaced by truth,
What was silent now resounds,
'I am redeemed!'
He calls me child,
He calls me to his side eternally.
He calls what once was lost now found,
Once bound to sin now free.
He calls me holy, calls me righteous,
By the blood redeemed,
He calls me overcomer, crowned with victory
This is my destiny.

He calls servant, calls me warrior,
Calls me royalty.
He calls me resurrected one,
He calls me His redeemed.
He calls me higher,
Calls me far beyond my wildest dreams,
He calls my heart to come and be
All He can see.
This is my destiny.

He calls me chosen, new creation,
Trophy of His grace,
He gives me strength to fight the fight,
And run to win the race.
He tells me He delights in me
While singing over me.
Accepting me as His beloved bride to be,
This is my destiny.

I can say it no better than that!

Wildflowers

by Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free
Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere bright and new
I have seen no other Who compares with you
You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free
Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by
You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

I never heard of Tom Petty until I read this song in Captivating. I hear he is quite famous. I love this song- it really touched my heart. Isn't that what each one of us longs for: belonging, love, freedom in every way- nothing in our way, nothing holding us back. Some days that life seems so far away, but this song is a great reminder of the kind of life God offers each one of us.

A Mother's Love

In honor of Mandy and Taylor...

I must admit I am somewhat of a nerd when it comes to the television I watch. Recently I have gotten a kick out of renting documentaries from the library on DVD. The Greek and Roman civilizations, the life/society/works of Jane Austin, the history of Scotland. I must admit I really enjoy learning about these various subjects and filling my mind with, what some would argue, is useless information. This week I watch one by the Discovery channel entitled Why Dogs Smile and Chimpanzees Cry. This hour and a half special was all on the emotions of animals from joy to grief. One section in particular spoke about the emotions of a mother in relationship with her child.

The documentary introduced an elephant tribe, which was being filmed by wildlife specialists and had been followed for several months. The matriarch of the elephant tribe (they are a matriarchal society) was an elephant named Echo, who was estimated to be at least fifty years old! The camera crew was delighted when Echo gave birth to a baby calf, a little boy elephant the crew named Eli (can you imagine having a baby at 50!).

Their delight turned to sorrow when the baby elephant was unable to stand or walk. Eli’s back legs were fine but he would shuffle piteously on what were the equivalent of our knees on his front legs. It was heart breaking and painful to watch and many of the crew were seen with tears in their eyes. The first day came and went and it became clear to all involved that this little baby would die for sure in the wild. In fact, Eli became a risk to the entire tribe who were in danger of staying in one place because of predators and also because of the lack of food. On the second day the tribe decide to move on without the baby.

During this entire time Mama Echo was trying to help her baby stand by nudging him, helping him lift up with her trunk- anything to get the baby moving. And he was trying so hard to walk. One of Echo’s other children, Enid, was torn between leaving with the rest of the tribe and staying with her mother and baby brother. Enid would start after the group but when the baby would cry out with pain and effort she would run back. (This cry was so pitiful that my dog, Hadassah, who was watching with me would cry along!) Finally, the two elephants would take a few steps and wait for the baby to shuffle along on his front knees and then take another few steps and stop. This went on for most of the second day.

By the third day, you felt like the entire situation was useless but Echo kept after her baby, refused to leave him and then... miracle of miracles the baby started to be able to flex the lower part of his legs and attempting to stand for only seconds at a time- then minutes. By the fourth day Eli was walking and on the fifth they rejoined the tribe. I was surprised at how emotional I got as the story unfolded and I felt like cheering.

Scientist have now explained that because this young male was such a large calf, he was unable to flex his legs in the womb and so they hadn’t developed the strength he need to stand on his own two feet, as the saying goes. All they need was time and exercise which was why Echo kept insisting that he move to keep exercising those limbs. As an experienced mother, Echo probably had seen this before and knew that all her baby needed was perseverance and determination which she encouraged in him.

Did you know that the Bible in several places compares God to a mother? In Isaiah 49:15-16 it says this: “And the Lord answered, ‘Can a mother forget the baby at her breast, have no compassion on the child she has born? Even if she should forget, I will never forget you! Behold, I have indelibly imprinted, tattooed your name on the palm of both of my hands.’”

As most of us know in one way or another, there is nothing quite like the love of a mother. And God gave us the picture of that love to help us better understand the love He has for each of His children. He says in Isaiah that it would be more likely for a mother to forget about her nursing infant than it would be for Him to forget about us.

I hope you don’t consider me to sacrilegious, but what I loved the most about the story of Echo and her baby is that it gave me a glimpse into the love and mercy of God. You see, in many ways I am like that little baby elephant: weak and struggling. Sometimes I even wonder why God bothers with me at all. But just like Echo or just about any other mother I know, God never gives up on me. He comes along side me and helps me through my struggles, he places people in my life (like the sister elephant) to walk the journey with me, and He never, ever gives up on me!

He will never give up on you either, in spite of all your weaknesses or struggles. He is not the kind of God that deserts us when we just don’t measure up. His love for you is deeper than the love of a mother. Are you struggling today? Do you feel weak? Does the situation seem hopeless? Remember there is a God that walks along side you and loves you with a love beyond all imagining!

March 11, 2006 - The Ache of Birthing Dreams

Today I saw Taylor Denise for the very first time. Let me start by saying I love being 'Aunt Stacy' and knowing that I can play a role, however small, in the woman she will become- I don't want belittle what an honor that is. She was so incredibly beautiful- what a wonder she is! As I walked around with her, I took time to go see the finished nursery and opened the closet to rows of pink, tiny outfits. In that moment, with Taylor in my arms, I cried. It surprised me, the unexpected longing for a baby of my own. I couldn't help but cry out in my heart, "Oh God, will you ever give me such a treasure? I have waited so long."

But God is perfect and He reminded me of a CD I had listened to just the night before called 'Mothering' from the Captivating retreat collection. In that message it talked about how the longing to give birth, to create life is at the core of every woman. I know that to be true of me. The challenge is not to limit God's creative power in me and to realize that we are able to "birth" a variety of things- dreams, books, art, ideas...

The idea of birthing dreams really hit home to me. The dreams we carry are so precious and often painful. And we can help others around us birth their dreams as well. When we offer hope and encouragement to others, we can often create life in places where there was no life before. Just like Taylor, that too is a miracle we can be a part of.

March 10, 2006 - Fantastic Night

Tonight I traveled to Dallas and met Terry for a night out. I wore a semi-formal purple dress and felt beautiful. We had an AMAZING dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and then went to see the Tyler Perry Play, Madea Goes to Jail. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard! From start to finish, the evening was wonderful.

In all of the excitement of the evening, one thing stands out. About midway through dinner, a group of about 13 girls gathered at the table across from ours. They were all just so beautiful, so different. Some of the girls where bigger, some were darker than others, one had crooked front teeth that made her look impish when she smiled. One was celebrating her birthday- ten years old. As I watched the girls laugh and interact, I prayed for them. There is so much out there that tries to steal their hearts. As I left, I spoke to them and said, "WOW, you all look like princesses!" They giggled and grinned. I hope that for one moment they knew how truly beautiful they were.

The Struggle and the Sweeter Song

It does seem like in the world today there are about a hundred more things that we need to avoid and say no to than in the days of our parents and grandparents. The world demands that in order to have worth you must have it all – money, power, looks, and the perfect guy or girl on your arm. We are bombarded with these images daily and, while they may sound good, deep inside we all know that the desire for these things is an illusion that leads to dissatisfaction.

So what is to be done? Sadly, most of us follow in the path of Odysseus. He is this great captain of the sea who has conquered one battle after another. He has fought against the gods and monsters yet has continued on to seek his homeland. On his way he encounters the Sirens, beautiful women who sing a dangerous song to lure those on the sea into rocks along the coast.

However, our brilliant, cunning hero has a plan. He fills the ears of all his men with bees wax to prevent them from hearing the song and ties himself to the mast of the ship. From this position, he is able to hear the beautiful music without the danger of losing his life. In spite of the musical beauty, it really becomes torture as he struggles and begs for freedom to follow the deadly music.

At another time and another place, another man makes a different decision when faced with the same deadly conflict. Jason, captain of the infamous Argo, sends for his gifted minstrel, Orpheus, to play his lyre. The music made is so beautiful the melody of the Sirens is forgotten.

These different choices are somewhat like our choices as we face off with the world’s deadly music. The easiest path would be to cover our ears and not listen to anything , thereby dodging the dangerous sounds that surround us in the world today. Yes, it is the safest option, but we will miss out on the many other safe and beautiful sounds that sing to us as well.

We could also tie ourselves up by sheer force of will and hope we can overcome the temptations and still hear the world’s seductive melodies. But who wants to spend their life struggling against something that should never have been desired in the first place or worse, give in and have a head-on collision with the rocks of reality?

What then is the answer? We, like Jason, can make our own music. I may never hear the sound of Hail to the Chief with millions of people cheering for me or the sound of millions of dollars in my Fortune 100 company. At the most, I can hope to hear the sound of my dishwasher running, the dog barking, the voice of my soul mate saying “I love you,” and my baby’s cry. It may not be the loudest music in the world, but it will be the sweetest.

Hitchhiking to Hope

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

I wish I had a camera to capture the moment I first saw him. It’s an image I’d like to remember. He stood in stark contrast to his surroundings.

I was driving a car filled with all my clothes and books for my move to Little Rock, traveling down I-30 through the captivating Arkansas countryside. Beautiful evergreen trees and bright green grass. The sun coming through the trees in just the right way. The beauty of nature displayed before me was intoxicating.

Not long after leaving the town of Texarkana, I prepared to pull onto the highway. Near the on-ramp stood a rumpled looking man in faded jeans and wrinkled shirt. A battered duffle bag lay at his feet. His weatherworn face appeared unmistakably tired. You could sense his weariness through the stoop of his shoulders and the droop of his expression. But it was what he held that really caught my attention. In his hands he clutched a torn piece of cardboard thrust forward for passing cars to see. Scrawled on the makeshift sign was a single word in thick black marker. Hope. His sign said simply, “Hope”.

The contrasting scene burned itself vividly into my memory. The peaceful majesty of nature next to one weary wayfarer holding out for Hope.

Soon after passing the traveler I came to a highway sign listing driving distances to nearby towns. The last entry on the sign said: “Hope - 56 miles”. Then it hit me. The stranger on the road was seeking a ride to the city of Hope. This bedraggled traveler was hardly the first hitchhiker to hope. Many travelers seek the same destination everyday. Not the Arkansas city of Hope, but the soul-stirring, heart-mending home of hope. Perhaps you’ve seen such travelers. They may not be easy to spot, but there are signs. External clues to the internal blues. You may notice the stoop in the shoulders, the droop in the expression, the deadness in the voice. You may see it in the hospital patient diagnosed with an incurable condition. The sorrow-stricken widow standing over a fresh grave. The elderly battling loneliness in a rest home. The depressed professional searching for meaning beyond money. The alienated teenager who believes no one understands. They are all travelers. Journeyers. Wanderers. They seek a place of affirmation and emotional restoration. They seek a place of hope.

The singer of Psalms could identify with such folk. He knew all too well about living life in quiet desperation. And when he hit rock bottom, he too went in search of a place called hope. Here are the words describing his journey:
As I sink in despair, my spirit ebbing away, you know how I'm feeling... I cry out, GOD, call out: ‘You're my last chance, my only hope for life!’ Oh listen, please listen; I've never been this low. (Psalm 142:3-6)

The cry of desperation is heartbreaking-yet hopeful. When the Psalmist was at his lowest point, he knew there was only one place to turn. When all other possibilities had been exhausted, there was only one destination offering hope. God. God was his last, best chance. His only hope for life. It’s as if the Psalmist grabbed his duffle bag, thrust out his sign, and started hitchhiking to hope. Except for him, hope was not found in a city, but in a person. Not in a physical destination, but in a spiritual restoration.

If you, like the Psalmist, are one of life’s weary wanderers hitchhiking to hope, there is good news. Your travel is not pointless. Your journey is not in vain. There really is a place called hope. Not just in the heart of the Arkansas, but in the heart of a loving God. He is someone you can believe in. Someone you can trust in. Someone who has rekindled the confidence of countless weary travelers before you. He is the soul-stirring, heart-mending home of hope. And in your life’s journey, he can be your home of hope as well.

New Creations- New Families

Today I had choir practice with the Baptist Health Inspirational Singers (B-HIS). It is always a precious time to gather together and sing. We were singing the song, "You are great, You do miracles so great..." right around the time my brand new little cousin was born. Her name is Taylor Denise Underwood and she is perfect! She weighed 8 pounds, 7 ounces and is 19 inches long with dark hair. She joins my cousin Brad, his wife Mandy, and big brother Adam. Mandy's sister Jennifer and her husband Jay got their little girl Landry in China around 9:30 last night. What miracles to see these two families grow. I am already praying for our two new little ladies- that God will have His hand upon them and that they will love and serve Him. Truly, You are great, God. You do miracles so great!

If Only For A Moment

Hard to believe it has been a week since I wrote. I have been so ill- I can't remember the last time I was that sick. It is hard to remind yourself that you are beautiful when you can't get out of bed for days at a time. I am grateful my mother was able to come down and care for me. Honestly, I would have ended up in the hospital if she hadn't come.

I went back to work on Friday and had one of those times when you can see God is using you. I lost a 23 year old young man involved in a shooting. His young girlfriend was absolutely hysterical and for a couple of hours we were by ourselves. I was able to talk to her a little and give her some hope for the future. At one point she asked what exactly it was I do as a hospital chaplain. When I explained it to her, she got teary eyed and said, "What you do is important." I looked at her and said, "You are why I do it." In the midst of feeling awful and being in a dark situation I had one of those transcendent moments where I know God used me. I played my irreplaceable role well, if only for a moment. Thank you Jesus!

Creation Sings

I have this strange little bird that living in a tree right outside my apartment building. I've noticed this bird just about every day this week. And it has this strange little bird call, a whistle really. Amazingly, it sound very much like the stereotypical construction worker's whistle- WooHoo. Today I wore a new outfit and felt lovely. When I heard that bird I felt like God send that little bird to whistle His approval of my beauty. I look around the glory of creation and know that all that beauty will never compare to the beauty He placed in my heart. Truly creation is God's invitation for us to see Him and His heart. I would encourage all to take a moment and accept that invitation, see the beauty all around you and see Him!

Princesses... Look Up!

Tonight I watched the movie The Little Princess. We saw clips of it at Captivating and the movie captivated my heart. My favorite scene is right after Sarah (now in rags and living in the attic) has gotten caught by Ms. Minchin, the head mistress, telling stories to the other girls. They have the following exchange....

Ms. Minchin: It's time you learn, Sarah Crew, that real life has nothing to do with your fantasy games. It's a cruel, nasty world out there and it's our duty to make the best of it. Not to indulge in ridiculous dreams but to be productive and useful.
Do you understand what I am saying?

Sarah: Yes, ma'am.

Ms. Minchin: Good. (turns towards the door...)

Sarah: But I don't believe in it.

Ms. Minchin: Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess. (Evil laugh...) Good God, child, look around you! Or better yet, look in the mirror.

Sarah: I am a princess. All girls are! Even if they live in tiny old attics... Even if they dress in rags... Even if they aren't pretty or smart or young... They're still princesses! All of us! Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he?!

At this point the camera does something interesting. It moves down on Ms. Minchin making her seem smaller and up on Sarah making her seem larger. The effect is beautiful!

I loved this scene- it reminds me of who I am as a child of the Most High God, a daughter of the King! I think it's interesting that Ms. Minchin (representing our enemy who attacks our looks and belittles us to just what we can/should do) says to her- Look around! Aren't we tempted to do that? We look around at where we are in life, what we look like in the mirror, our failures. But we must remember Sarah and do what she did- remember what her father said about her! What does our Father say about us? That we are a new creation, that we are beloved, that we are beautiful! O Jesus, on the day that I am tempted to look around, remind me to look up to you and know that I am your princess!

Desire of the Heart- Beauty

More than any other desire I long for, this is the one that has been the most assaulted. I can’t begin to tell you all the ways that beauty has often felt like a curse to me, a blessing held just out of reach, one that I never could attain. I remember walking across the hall to the other fifth grade teacher and him making fun of my acne and kids laughing. I remember being called a ‘dog’ by Zach Johnson in junior high and high school. As an adult, I realize he really didn’t mean it but the Enemy used that to wound me so deeply. Even some of my own extended family have unknowingly said some things that wounded me.

Even as recently as dating my friend Michael, Satan has assaulted my looks. Michael had come out of a bad marriage to a woman who was really pretty. He said several times that looks weren’t important, but what I wanted to hear was that he thought I was beautiful. It is important. No woman wants to hear that her looks don’t matter!

Fast forward to when we had stopped dating and were just friends and I asked for his advice as a man, which was to work harder on my appearance! He wasn’t unkind but my heart rebelled on so many levels. I wish men only knew how many hours we women spent in front of the bathroom mirror longing and working to be beautiful. I mean, unlike quite a few women I know, I get up everyday and put on my make-up, fix my hair. It’s not like I’m letting myself go!

There are days when I look in the mirror or see a rare photo where I feel like my spirit shines through, larger than my appearance. But most days, I see a girl with bad skin, weird shaped nose, and hair that never looks right no matter how hard I try. There are times when even Scripture bothers me when it includes passages like, “Rachel was beautiful and Jacob loved her… (Genesis 29:17-18).” Throughout Scripture women like Sarah, Rachel, Ruth, and Esther were always described as beautiful. Then there are the Leah’s who are viewed as second rate. I know it’s not true but there were so many days when I really thought that if I were just pretty, I would be able to find a husband and have the family I dream of.

And then there are the movies I love- Sabrina, where an awkward girl with frizzy hair becomes a beautiful woman to win the heart of two modern day princes. Again and again my heart longs for a transformation where I am beautiful and sought after. Is there a way to escape such a longing? I wish I could!

And then I come back to the truth- that I am created in the image of God and that I am beautiful to Him. I know that to be truer than all the rest and yet it is so easy to forget. I found an anonymous quote not long ago that says, “You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.” I pray that is true. I pray that one day a man will look at me and see me as Christ sees the church- beautiful and captivating, a woman who invites him into God’s presence with her inner beauty illuminating the outer appearance.

Desire of the Heart- Irreplaceable

The second desire of the woman's heart mentioned this weekend, was the desire to be swept up in an adventure- to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure. I know that to be true about myself, on many levels. I feel it every time I watch a movie like Pearl Harbor or Lord of the Rings. The women in those movies are so strong and brave, they do something important with their lives. Sometimes that seems a million miles away from the simple life I live.

I also have started to feel the pain of being replaceable. I am coming to the end of a two year residency at the hospital. I knew going into this that it would be two years but now that I am faced with leaving, I start to wonder exactly what was my purpose there? They have had dozens of residents in twenty years and I can't help but feel that I will leave in the next few months and no one will really care. Is is wrong to long for a role that is significant and appreciated? I know there have been people I have blessed along the way, some on the darkest days of their lives, but in the end, they move on and probably forget all about the girl who held their hand when their loved one died. Its not that I do all these things for acknowledgement, REALLY!... It's just that I want my life to count for something bigger than myself. I don't know what that is suppose to look like, I just don't feel like I am there.

A life of adventure... I long for that and wonder if it is possible. I do see little adventures in my day to day life. Every time I walk into a room I don't know what I will find so that is adventure in a small way.

God, please show me the great adventure You long for me. I know that I am meant for more- for transcendence... It's just that the mundane of life seems so much more real. Open my eyes.

Desire of the Heart- Romance

One of the first things talked about this past weekend were the three core desires of the feminine heart. The first was each one of us longs for romance. Although women have often been taught to deny such a longing ('Who needs a man?!' the world shouts), it is at the center of who we are as women.

It really should be no suprise to us- after all, Scripture tells us time and time again that God longs for a personal, intimate romance with each one of us. The Bible is His great love letter. But what does that romance really look like?

I think it is difficult for me, a single woman who has never even kissed a man, to understand the heart of romance. I watch people who are in love and it is something that can never be explained in words, yet you know when the romance is real and intimate. I can't help but wonder if I had that earthy romance would it help me understand the passion that God has for me better? Or would it be a distraction?

During the weekend, I must admit I was frustrated by all the talk pertaining to marriage and children. It has felt like something just out of reach, something I may never have. But I also learned what I really want to be able to offer my husband: a heart that is able to love completely without reservation, a woman secure in who she is so not to drain her man with unending expectations, a powerful woman who inspires her husband to be a true man of God.

And that brings me to the question: What can I do to foster the spirit of that woman here, now, while I am single? What will it take for me to forget all the fear I have about giving my heart, and really love? I know that first, I must let go of all the loves lost in my life for true love keeps no record of wrongs. That, of course, is easier said than done. There have been times I have offered myself, all that I am, the very best part of my heart, and it has come back shattered. To let go of those wrongs that have assalted my heart, is not an easy thing to do. But in order to love well and have the romance we dream of, it is necessary.

Is there such a thing as a really secure woman? I only know a handful. Most of the ones who act so confident and secure are hiding the fear by never allowing themselves to be soft and vunerable. What will it take for me to be secure in the woman that God has made me? I know I must sit at His feet like Mary did, soaking up the love and mercy He longs to pour over all those wounds. It will require that I stop comparing myself to those around me and focus on being the best woman I can be. I am so glad I can come to Jesus just like I am- and with His help I can become the real woman He has created me to be and know, with every fiber of my being, that is enough. I am enough just belonging to Him.

Hephzibah- A New Name

I have just returned from a four day Captivating retreat in Colorado. After all I learned there I decided to start a new blog to record my journey as a Captivating woman of God. I chose the blog name Hephzibah because of the passage in Isaiah 62:1-5, 11-12:

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings you glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD'S hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called HEPHZIBAH, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a maiden, as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.... The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: "Say to the Daughter of Zion, 'See, you Savior comes! See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.'" They will be called a Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.

To be honest, I still have a hard time explaining the weekend meant to me in words. I remember Stasi saying that we were each there because it was part of God’s divine plan- I never dreamed how true those words would be.

From the beginning, God was at work. I applied for the work team so I could afford to go. When I wasn’t chosen I thought: Well, so much for that! But the Lord urged me to press in and not give up. The Lord worked it out and I was able to go at the work crew price. I couldn’t believe it. I knew right then that God was setting something in motion that was bigger than I could imagine.

To understand what this weekend meant to me, you have to know a little of my story. I am a hospital chaplain at the largest state hospital in Arkansas. I live alone, am hours away from any family, and have not been able to find a church or a group of like minded friends (being on call and working all hours of the day and night hasn’t helped!). In the past year and a half, I have seen hundreds of deaths and in the weeks before the retreat I had lost a 14 year old in a shooting and a two year old in a car accident- each situation broke my heart.

Personally, I had suffered as well. I have had two mentors in my life who have been my prayer support for over fifteen years. Mary and Debbie were the women I could call at two in the morning after a long night on call. I lost both of them within the past three months- Mary to cancer and Debbie to a very sudden heart attack at the age of 52. In the midst of such a great battle, I have not had anyone to come and fight alongside me. I have been fighting alone and have been beyond exhausted.

Despite last minute flight changes, almost running out of gas trying to catch the shuttle, and the Enemy doing anything he could to distract from what God had for me; I made it to the Ranch. One of the things I was most concerned about was going alone, without a group. Not fifteen minutes after I got to the shuttle meeting place, God had several young women to surround me with their friendship.

From the minute I got on the shuttle, I felt such a spiritual rest. I knew there were warriors praying for me and for the first time in a long time, I could take off my armor and tend my own wounds. I had no idea how many wounds there would be! The session we had on wounds was a real turning point for me. There were so many and the Lord kept revealing them. During the covenant of silence to deal with the wounds, a woman came up and began to pray over me and she held me like I was a little girl. It was like a dam broke and I cried for almost an hour- for my wounds, for all my heartbreaks, for the grief in my life like losing Mary and Debbie, for all that has been taken from me in my job. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard, for so long.

And I can’t remember the last time I was held and cared for as this precious sister did. In thinking why it meant so much, I realized I had not even had a hug in months! It was such a blessing just to be held and ministered to. When I left that session I felt like Moses when he came off the mountain with his face radiant. I thought surely everyone who saw me would know that I had been with God and I had been set free.

I have always struggled with being single and have such a longing in my heart to be a wife and a mother. After the question and answer time I went to Stasi, really just to mention how it would be great to have a special session for singles. Then, for no reason I could imagine, I started crying (at that point I didn’t think I had any tears left!!). Stasi was surrounded by tons of women wanting books signed and photos, but she stopped, reached out, put her hand on my heart, and prayed for me. She must have listened to the Holy Spirit because she prayed that I would not give up on my dream. Until then I never realized that I had been shutting down that part of my heart because it hurt that my dream had never been realized. I have been the hiding woman for a long time- but no more. I am slowly learning to embrace my dreams as gifts of God.

Leaving Colorado was difficult for me- the weekend felt so short and I was so bathed with love. I am clinging to Galatians 5:1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery you have once put off." I have come down the mountain but my face is still radiant. I bought the Captivating Live CDs as well as some of the music we listened to. I have listen to the first two CDs so much I almost have them memorized! I have started a blog http://mydelightisinher.blogspot.com/ to journal my journey as a Captivating woman so that daily I am reminded to live out what I know in my heart to be true.

In the session on asking God for a name, He led me to Isaiah 62. The name He gave me was Hephzibah, which means ‘my delight is in her!’ What a beautiful reminder of how God sees me! And I think it is appropriate that I begin this journey on Valentine's Day, as this is where I begin a romance with the Lover of my Soul. Daily I am learning what it means to be His delight and how to delight in Him more fully. Blessings on you and yours Hephzibah/ Stacy Adamson